Dear Jane,

I’m 35 years old and have been happily married to my husband for five years.

An active sex life has always been important to us but, sadly, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer earlier this year and the radiation therapy I underwent stopped us sleeping together for almost two months.

My husband has been nothing but supportive. He’s my rock.

And so, because I know how important sex is to him, I gave him a ‘hall pass’ – which is to say, I told him he could sleep with someone else during this difficult time if he really wanted to.

I expected him to choose an old flame, a girl from a dating app, or perhaps a co-worker.

I gave my husband a ‘hall pass’ but then he slept with the one person I wish he hadn’t.

But no. My husband decided to sleep with my best friend!

We’ve been close ever since elementary school, although we’ve drifted a little recently.

I have a full-time job and a husband; my friend is still single, and bounces from job to job. I’d always felt she was slightly jealous of me, but I never thought she’d do this.

As my husband tells it, they ran into each other at a bar with separate groups and got talking.

He says he ‘jokingly’ mentioned to my friend that I’d given him a hall pass and she ‘jokingly’ suggested he should use it with her. Then, after too many drinks, they went home together.

The next day, he calmly told me that he’d used his hall pass and nonchalantly mentioned her name – as if it were no big deal.

I’m distraught. He could have had sex with anyone! Why did he choose someone I’ve known for almost my entire life?

My husband says it will never happen again and claims, naively, that things won’t be weird between the three of us. But I don’t know if I can get over it.

Technically, yes, I told him he could cheat but I didn’t think for a second that he’d do it with her.

Do I have the right to be angry? And what about my friend – how could she do it?

How can I carry on with these two people in my life knowing what they’ve done together?

From,

Ultimate Betrayal

Dear Ultimate Betrayal,

I am so sorry you are dealing with cervical cancer, and more sorry still that you have found yourself in this situation.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

You have every right to be angry. Two months is not a long time to go without sex. But nevertheless, you kindly offered him a ‘hall pass’ with trust, presuming he would not choose someone close to you.

For him to choose your best friend is an enormous betrayal — by both of them.

So yes. Be angry for now. But eventually you will have to figure out whether or not this betrayal can be forgiven. 

Being frank, I think you made a mistake by not setting a clear enough boundary. I also wonder whether you were truly okay with granting your husband the ‘hall pass’ in the first place. Why were you putting his needs before your own?

Having gone through a dance with cancer myself, I know how vital it is to have your partner’s full support. So I think it would be helpful for you to reflect: think about what you offered, what you expected to happen, and why his needs seemed to be more important than your own in the midst of a health crisis.

As for your best friend, friendship is supposed to be about raising each other up, being there for each other, and catching the other when they fall.

If she was truly your best friend, she would have walked the other way after they met in that bar and joked about the ‘hall pass’.

If she was tempted, and truly believed you were okay with her sleeping with your husband, she should have spoken to you about it first. 

I think the best solution here is to have an open conversation with both of them, separately, about what led them to think what they did was okay. Tell them honestly how it made you feel. 

There are many different ways to have healthy relationships, and these days traditional monogamy often gives way to things like ‘ethical non-monogamy’, where both partners have multiple external romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

But what has happened here is not healthy dynamic, and I urge you and your husband to seek professional counselling to talk about how to go forward.

If you do both want to look at non-monogamous options, do so in a way that provides comfort and safety, with much clearer boundaries and rules.

Dear Jane,

I’ve had an on-and-off girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her tremendously and she is beautiful. But we are missing a spark and rarely have sex.

I’ve tried to work on our intimacy but whenever I talk to her about these things, she seems to take it as a personal attack.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want in the bedroom – but I do enjoy the allure of what could happen.

My girlfriend was raised in a very conservative home and doesn’t have much sexual experience. I have a great deal more.

Earlier this year, we broke up briefly. Within weeks, I’d met someone else and we had great sexual chemistry – and got along pretty well.

But the truth is, we didn’t gel nearly as well as my girlfriend and I did – which is why I have since rekindled our relationship.

We often avoid the hard conversations in relationships because of our discomfort, or because we are worried we will upset our partners and friends. 

But avoiding them, or letting small problems slip by and telling ourselves they’re nothing, always leads to something bigger and unsustainable.

Speak up every time you are uncomfortable. Tell your loved ones when they say something that upsets you. 

Difficult conversations become easier the more you practice them.

To complicate matters, I recently got a promotion at work and have to move away. My girlfriend has decided she won’t be going with me because we are not a married couple.

Here’s the thing: I would happily propose to her so that we can stay together. But I feel as though I can’t do it without finding our sexual chemistry first.

Meanwhile, the girl I dated during our break-up has now reached out and wants to give it another try. I can’t help but consider it.

I suppose it’s a good problem to have but, honestly, it’s torture.

I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, but I also don’t want to be with her if we aren’t having sex.

From,

Spoilt For Choice

Dear Spoilt For Choice,

Chemistry is a gorgeous thing to have in a relationship, but it’s not the only important thing – and it is certainly not enough to sustain a healthy, long-term bond on its own. 

Chemistry doesn’t just have to be sexual; it can be emotional, mental, often spiritual. 

The initial spark has to be fanned into a fire via good communication, kindness, and putting each other’s needs before our own.

Most relationships get into trouble when there is a lack of communication.

In your case, an inability to discuss your sexual needs is causing resentment.

It sounds like there’s a strong foundation with you current girlfriend that could sustain a happy, long relationship. But you both need to be willing to trust each other and put in the work.

And here’s the thing: All of this needs to be worked out before you even think about marriage. 

If your girlfriend is not willing to discuss sex, while also potentially using emotional blackmail to get you to marry her, then I’m afraid you are best off moving on and starting again as a newly-single man.